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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
11:32p - Will Love Be A Stranger?
(I'd typed this out beforehand, but the computer gobbled it up. So, a retype.)

I've a fairly major problem.

If I want to have relationships, or to have fun, or friendships, or any kind of social life that isn't mediated by the Internet, or any kind of fun, really, I have to relax. When I don't relax, I'm much too tense to conduct any kind of informal social relationship.

(Incidentally, I'm quite good at formal social relationships, primarily at work and at school. I'm a perfect wind-up automaton when it comes to essays and debates and formal presentations and conferences. Almost an idiot savant, really.)

My problem, no, is that I can't relax, at least not for extended periods of time; I seem to always end up choking, somehow. And, of course, this wreaks havoc with my relationships (all platonic, none romantic as of yet though I expect this rule to hold): Either I withdraw from contact just when things are getting interesting, or I do something embarrassing so people won't want to see me again. Which is unfortunate, since the only way I really know how to relate to people is in a highly formal way, which might win me points for professionalism but doesn't get me invited to the parties. Acquaintance and colleague I might be to many, but friend? only to a very few. I'd like to think that if I found someone I could relate to in a highly formal way I could relax, gradually, but I don't think that's an option.

The only time I relax, really, is when I get drunk. And that isn't a viable option.

So, I've got a chicken-and-egg situation, a cause-and-effect group. To make friends I need to relax; to relax I need to make friends. And I've no idea how to break this circle.


current mood: depressed

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