September 20th, 2002


From 7:00 pm to 8:20 pm tonight (the 19th of September 2002), I attended the UPEI Rainbow Society's first meeting this school year. It went well; cute people, guys and girls, friendly people, interesting events planned. It was fun to be in attendance.

I'd not bothered to tell my parents why I went to UPEI. I told them I was doing research, and they didn't press me. Good for them.

There's a lot of potential here, I think. It's just that, well, I feel empty, I feel like something else was supposed to happen but didn't, I feel a kind of emotional flatness or numbness.

Of late, I've been concerned with something. For the past decade, ever since I entered adolescence, I've been suppressing far too much: a desire for romance, a desire for friendship, even a desire for simple fun. What if the damage has been done? What if I've gone much too far and now, no matter how much I might want to get back to some kind of vaguely human state of mind, I'm doomed to well, exist?

I just feel numb, not comfortably either. I feel vaguely alarmed by this, but--Am I reacting correctly? or normally, at least? or even badly?
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    confused confused


That last post didn't make sense, did it?

Let me resummarize, reedit, generally rewrite:

I'm beginning to get worried that I've gone much too far, that I've passed the point of no return when it comes to actually having a comparatively normal social life, and that I can't turn back no matter how much I try. I'm afraid that there will always be social cues--obvious ones, to other normal people--that I'll miss, that I'll not be able to pick up upon, and that I'll end up alone and emotionally barren.

I don't want that.

It's difficult to underestimate how much I don't want that.

I'm beginning to fear that there's nothing much too me, hardly anything more that's me than in a lap-top that runs one of those programs that simulate intelligence, like ELIZA. (God, most of my conversational skills are barely better than its.) I know facts, yes, I can write, yes, I'm a perfectly functioning idiot-savant, but is there more to me than simple rote recitations of knowledge and occasional brilliant reconfiguration? And if not, can there be more to me than that?

Anyone who knows me, please: Is there?
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    scared scared