Randy McDonald (rfmcdpei) wrote,
Randy McDonald
rfmcdpei

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A WB Commercial for

I got it from Something Awful, but here it is, reproduced below:



WB Executive 1: "Alright, people, we need something to pull our network out of the doldrums."
WB Executive 2: "What about something that panders to black people?"
WB Executive 1: "No, we already put their Steve Harvey on the air, and they still don't like us. We need something new. What sort of exciting specials do we have in the works?"
WB Executive 2: "Well, we're showing 'The Wizard of Oz' next week."
WB Executive 1: "Feckpeh! That's exactly what I'm talking about! How are we supposed to make that sound exciting?"
(Demonic Marketing Imp appears in a puff of smoke pink smoke.)
Demonic Marketing Imp: "I might be able to solve your problems."
WB Executive 2: "That was some gay smoke, right there. And did you just say 'Feckpeh?'"
WB Executive 1: "Shut up, Gil. Alright, Demonic Marketing Imp. You've got my interest. What do you have in mind?"
Demonic Marketing Imp: "We'll use clever advertising to convince the stupid human public that this is a totally different 'Wizard of Oz,' a new, horrifying vision of pure evil. Hee hee hee! Behold!"
(He pulls a video cassette out of thin air and puts it in the VCR with his prehensile tail.)

(The advertisement begins with a black screen.)
Horror Narrator: "Just when you thought it was safe to get sucked into a giant tornado..."
(Foreboding music begins, stays throughout the the rest of the ad. Slow-mo shot of Dorothy smacking her head against the wall during the tornado. Fade back to black.)
Narrator: "One girl..."
(Dorothy steps out of the house.)
Dorothy: "Where are we, Toto?"
(Fade to black.)
Narrator: "Lost in a world that is not her own..."
(Close-up of Dorothy, snot jiggling in her nose, a la 'The Blair Witch Project.')
Dorothy: "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
(Fade to black.)
Narrator: "Accused of an unspeakable crime..."
(Shot of the Wicked Witch of the West pointing her broom at Dorothy.)
Wicked Witch: You killed my sister!
Dorothy: I didn't mean to!
(Close up of the Munchkin coroner, tilted to the side for some reason.)
Munchkin Coroner: "And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
(Colors turn negative for a slow-mo shot of the Wicked Witch of the East's feet rolling up under the house. Fade to black)
Narrator: "Unwanted by all..."
(Shot of the Emerald City gatekeeper.)
Gatekeeper: "No one sees the Wizard! Not no one, not nohow!" (He slams his little guard window shut. Fade to black.)
Narrator: "Trusted by none..."
(Shot of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.)
Glinda: "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
(Fade to black.)
Narrator: "In order to save her own life, she must stand against a supernatural force unlike any foe she has ever faced."
(The Wicked Witch makes the end of her broom burst into flames. and laughs maniacally. Shot of the Wicked Witch rubbing her glowing crystal ball. Shot of the message "Surrender Dorothy or else!" forming out of smoke in the sky over the Emerald City. Fade to black.)
Narrator: "With only three friends by her side, it will take all of their cunning, love, and courage..."
(Shot of the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion.)
Scarecrow: "If I only had a brain-"
Tin Man: "A heart-"
Lion. "The nerve."
Dorothy: "Why, that's awful!" (Echo effect on her last words.) "That's awful, that's awful, that's awful, awful, awful, awful..."
(Fade to black.)
Narrator: "To defeat an invincible army..."
(Flying monkeys stream out of the Wicked Witch's castle. Sweeping shot of the Witch's guards marching. Close-up of the Wicked Witch's face as she cackles. Zoom in on the Witch until the entire screen is filled with green, then fade to black.)
Narrator: "And appease an all-powerful dictator..."
(Shot of the giant head of Oz.)
Oz: "Silence!" (Flames shoot out of the ground on either side of him. Fade to black.)
Narrator: "This Sunday... a journey you will never forget. 'The Wizard....'"
(Graphic of "The Wizard of Oz" in a lame, scary font.)
Narrator: "'Of Oz.'"
(Fade to black.)

(As the tape ends.) Demonic Marketing Imp: "What do you say, gentlemen?"
WB Executive 2: "What the hell? That was terrible! I mean, it's "The Wizard of Oz!" It's rated G, for Christ sake!"
(The Demonic Marketing Imp spits a thousand poison thorns into WB Executive 2's left eye.)
WB Executive 2: (Clutching at his shredded retina) "Aaaaaaaaah!"
WB Executive 1: "I liked it. You're hired!"
Demonic Marketing Imp: "That's what I thought. Hee hee hee! Excellent! Kill all humans! Hee hee hee hee!" (Spits more thorns into WB Executive 2's right eye.)
WB Executive 2: "Aaah! My eyes! Oh God, my eyes!"

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